--------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright 2001 The New York Times Company --------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.nytimes.com/2001/05/17/technology/17TALK.html May 17, 2001 HE-MAILS, SHE-MAILS: WHERE SENDER MEETS GENDER By JOYCE COHEN WITH their wedding party scattered across 3,000 miles, Gladys We and Tony Nathan did much of their wedding planning by e-mail. For their first-anniversary gift last September, their bridesmaid Grace Cheng compiled all the wedding correspondence into a handmade book. About 90 percent of the book consisted of messages sent among the bride and her bridesmaids. A paltry 10 percent was messages among the men. The women held forth not just on wedding minutiae like heel height and earring style, but also on a whole lot more -- "stories about our days, support over little frustrations, congratulations on little triumphs," said Ms. We, a graphic designer in Vancouver, British Columbia. "The groomsmen sent a couple of wedding jokes and reminded each other of the tux fitting." Ms. We continues to exchange e-mail daily with her female friends. "A message is a bright spot in the day," she said. "It's like a kaffeeklatsch of girlfriends getting together to talk." She added, "My husband finds it odd." Of course he does. He's a guy. But it does not seem at all odd to many e-mail users, who can't help noticing that women are so often voluble and open on screen, while men are terse and tight-lipped. "My female friends write huge, long things -- the latest gossip and every little, minute detail of what's going on, and really specific stuff about school and social life and everything," said Leslie Wright, a student at Barnard College. "With guys, it's more like an outline." Indeed, communication researchers who are beginning to study the e-mail behavior of men and women say they are finding real differences. But they are also finding some surprises in how those differences are expressed. In general, they say, women tend to use the electronic medium as an extension of the way they talk -- lavishly and intimately, to connect with people and build rapport. Men, in both speech and text, incline toward a briefer, more utilitarian style, the researchers say -- a style they variously term instrumental, functional or transactional. But some researchers have detected something else going on. The disinhibiting effect of e-mail, they say, makes it possible for people of few words -- men, usually -- to convey thoughts and feelings that they would find nearly impossible to say aloud. David Becker, a Manhattan lawyer, fits the pattern of the taciturn male. He uses e-mail often with a group of male friends from college and said that "95 percent of the messages are coordinating stuff to do with our free time." He added, "There's usually a practical reason for the e-mail, like, `What are we doing tonight?' or `Can you get out of work early?' not, `Let's catch up.' " The replies are short and informational, he said, though they sometimes include insults and clowning around. E-mail messages from his former girlfriend, however, "read like a one- sided phone conversation," Mr. Becker said. "She would send me, literally, thousand-word e-mails with questions and thoughts and all this stuff." Though he would not always read the message immediately, "I would never delete one without reading it," he said. "If I replied at all, it would be, `My day is going fine, I'll talk to you later.' " There are more subtle differences, as well. Ms. Wright and her female friends tend to read their e-mail as soon as they receive it and reply at once. "Even if I don't have a lot of time, I will respond right away and be, like, `I don't have time now, but will write a longer e-mail later,' "she said. "If I e-mail a guy, I have to wait a few days to get a response. Guy friends are horrible that way, but guys who are interested in you are better." Dr. Linnda Caporael said she felt obligated to humanize her messages. Not only does she answer her e-mail promptly, but she adds detail, even when her correspondents are seeking a one-word answer. "I say, `Yes, that's fine,' or `Yes, that's O.K.,' " said Dr. Caporael, who teaches social science at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, N.Y. A "no" answer gets a more elaborate explanation. "Why can't I just say no?" she said. "If I know someone, I will answer even longer." Of course, many factors besides sex -- including age, income, education and status -- influence what is said, and there are many forms of electronic communication. There are private messages and public ones; e- mail messages sent for social, business or romantic reasons; those traded within single-sex or mixed groups; and notes between people who know each other well, a bit, or not at all. "No generalization applies to all forms of computer-mediated communication," said Dr. Susan C. Herring, associate professor of information science and linguistics at Indiana University at Bloomington. "The key word is context." Still, when it comes to public e-mail -- message boards, mailing lists and chat rooms -- Dr. Herring and other researchers have noted how typical speech patterns translate into online text. Her research shows that in online groups, "men tend to make strong assertions," disagree with others and use profanity, insults and sarcasm. By contrast, women tend to use mitigated assertions along with questions, offers, suggestions and polite expressions, she said. They are supportive and agreeable, peppering their messages with more emoticons and representations of laughter, like "haha," "heehee" and "lol," for "laughing out loud." Except for an inclination to start or fan flame wars, men in online groups tend to limit the interaction, while women encourage others to engage, said Dr. David Silver, an assistant professor at the University of Washington and the director of the online Resource Center for Cyber Culture Studies (www.otal.umd.edu /~rccs). "Men come online to give information or give an answer, and in essence stop the conversation," he said. "Women add a question, tweak a thread or make things more complicated. I have found mailing lists dominated by women to be much more interesting, collegial and communitarian." Still, the loose-lips effect of e-mail, which leads people to write as candidly as if they were writing in a diary, despite knowing their words will be read on the other end, is especially powerful for some men. Those who are usually reluctant to divulge personal information or betray emotion often find that e-mail provides a layer of distance they find liberating. "The electronic distance that lets men write so freely is akin to their preferred way of speaking -- without a direct face-to-face alignment that makes a lot of men uncomfortable," said Dr. Deborah Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and a pioneer in the field of sex differences in language. E-mail can impose a "beneficial distance" that is useful for times when verbal communication is "too rich," Dr. Herring added. "For many men, e-mail may take some of the emotional charge off loaded emotional situations." For example, Mike Murnane, a real estate broker in Palo Alto, Calif., finds it much easier to express his affection for his grown children -- three daughters and a son -- through e-mail. "In person, my girls and my wife talk frequently and rapidly, and I don't get a chance to say much," Mr. Murnane said. "With the phone, at least for me, there has to be some reason to call. But with e-mail you can say any random thing -- a thought or something that happened -- and send it off quickly. It's easy for me to acknowledge what my children do in a very loving way." His middle daughter, Maria Murnane, keeps a computer file of her father's e-mail messages. "I cherish them, because he is so shy and nonexpressive," she said. "I get the sweetest e-mails and he says things he never says in person." E-mail works well, too, when it comes to conflict. Martin Ogawa, who works at an online directory service in San Francisco, prefers e-mail for difficult discussions with his fiancée, Cheryl Kaplan. "When I know she is upset with me, I will send her an e-mail instead of calling," Mr. Ogawa said. "It's less confrontational. It makes it easier to resolve the issue and move forward." Whatever the difficult subject -- a concrete one like finances or a murky one like their relationship, "e-mail helps me approach the subject in a less aggressive manner," said Ms. Kaplan, a lawyer. "On the phone, I don't give Martin enough time to give his side because I'm too busy giving him my version." Still, she would always prefer a real conversation. "If I wrote a response, I'd be typing for days," she said. "A million things are going through my head, and all I want to do is pick up the phone and talk about it." http://www.nytimes.com/2001/05/17/technology/17TALK.html --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright 2001 The New York Times Company ---------------------------------------------------------------------------